“Music is the language of the spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife.”
― Kahlil Gibran
Days 8, 7, 6, 5, 4
I never quit. That is probably one of my most admirable traits. Incredible loyalty, above and beyond where everyone else has quit would be another. My word is my bond is also an edict I follow.
This past couple of weeks…truly since the death of Dawn. I find the hopelessness of having a dream looming a little larger than I would like. There is a complete and utter sadness for the potential of what could have been IF this project had been seen and allowed to become…and not a damn thing I can do about the last 18 months of dedication to this solo goal..It is truly easier at times to stay disconnected, than to offer your heart, vision and dreams to people who literally are so “large” they can no longer see the “ants”-people that make up their fan base. Even my most highest connected contact thinks that you are the MOST difficult person to reach…course who knows if he stayed the course. It was after all a freebie, with no monetary gain in it for him and I have not heard from him in weeks…..SOO gotta assume that is a dead end…and really there comes a point ….or at least for me where I just say f*ck it…what the hell am I doing still knocking on the same door and getting the same answer??
On the flip side however, I gotta admit I am kind of proud of my staying power…but then there is the “negative talk” that says you silly b*tch you wasted all that time…course right now I seem to be in a bit of a holding pattern. I can feel the ebb of the past leaving and I sort of feel like there is the possibility of a new dream OR at least the potential for me to become a working part of someone else’s vision. A vision I have to say that I see the greatness in…problem or obstacle is this….I have to sit and wait upon one person to decide if I am worthy…able to be trusted…or whatever the deciding factor is that I am waiting for and well let’s say they are not really forthcoming either….so I find that this month is going to be another one dedicated to a holding pattern… and honestly if this one goes belly up…well the fact that my last dog died and she was my last connection to any living thing….leaves very dark thoughts….but I have been here before and while I may flirt with the darkness, some little ray of hope will shine and pull me back…gets a little harder each time to pull back though…
Disappearing from a life that really does not seem to want or need me…or finding a companion that is not intimidated…well that too is becoming a lost hope as well….which really sucks for a sensualist as myself. The temptation to pack it all away and leave it in the safekeeping of a friend; turn my car lease in on a motorcycle purchase and take off with the barest of clothes, a couple of pens and my camera is becoming highly tempting….or some shack on a beach in Mexico with some clothes, camera and paper could be substituted as well….
Anyway, this did not turn out to be the cheeriest of posts…sorry…but I have pretty much decided that I have to see, acknowledge and feel each emotion that runs through me, in order to see past it and further forward and to take the occasional memory road trip and realize that I have come a long way. I have accomplished much.
A couple more days and this trip will be over and you will be on your way to living out your Broadway Dreams…