“One does not need to have any formal knowledge of music – nor indeed to be particularly “musical” – to enjoy music and to respond to it at the deepest levels. Music is part of being human, and there is no human culture in which it is not highly developed and esteemed.” ~ Oliver Sacks
Days 11, 10, 9
The days are sliding by quickly. Feeling like I am in a holding pattern, a friend reminded me that it was the same feeling a caterpillar had before emerging as the butterfly…problem is…not sure a butterfly status is coming…and here is where today gets a little real and raw.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I have become an expert on my own sh*t. I know my triggers and work at keeping all the “tricks” going. I simply deal and go on. Very few people are aware of my “inner” world. Don’t let it out much, a small trickle here and there and then ZIP back in goes it all.
I deal with it by having an array of meditation, exercise and affirmations in place. We are all dealing with our own story and it is very hard to stay connected in today’s world and I think that is a part of the problem. We, well a lot of people, are afraid to stand in their own truth. After all it does not fit in Social Media or regular media’s profile. We are neither rich enough, movie star looking enough, thin enough,…all the enough you can think of.
I happen to believe in standing in my own truth and the rawness of my emotions and the passion that I feel for the things that inspire me. I have always been “sensitive” and in the last few years I have come to rely heavily on my intuition, which encompasses high levels of empathy and the innate ability to “know” people. Thinking, feeling, able to see patterns, able to “predict generally” things that are going to happen…Astute observer would be a polite term. In reality I am an Introvert. While I love being around people, I need time to back off and be quiet, to have my little daily habits in place to create my illusion of “control”…which of course is something we really don’t have. We simply get to choose how we are going to act and react to any given set of circumstances….
So the last few days have been a bit “rocky” for me. While I do not expect a MIRACLE to pop out of the bag for this particular goal… I am a move ahead kind of lets deal now person…so I did start another goal…and. It is probably part of what makes it hard to be around me or in a relationship with me. I need to be proactive. See inactivity is what allows the “dark” to become strong and that …well not going back there. Been there crawled my out and not going back in, so I have to keep a future plan in place so that I don’t get lost.
I realized yesterday that when Dawn died, I literally had lost the one last thing that tied me to this earth, as long as I had an animal/s to care for then I could not leave AND truth be known I am not the person people think of first when the idea of going out comes up…in fact I pretty much learn about it on Facebook the next day. There is that momentary hurt before I “buck” it up and keep moving one step ahead. So that kind of deepened the darkness a little more…and yeah I know, worked on bringing myself into the present, current…..recite the list of gratitude’s….did that. Listened to a couple of mantras that seem to brighten my spirit….
What has become really important to me is this idea of being part of a team…something I assure you I am not really all that great at. BUT I have a feeling that this opportunity I am trying to create will teach me, deepen me and leave me enriched beyond even what I can imagine….all I can do is hope, wait, have faith and trust that the person I approached sees the same in me and my ideas….but this waiting is a wee bit on the hard side for Proactive, go get em Miram…and that may be what this “frozen” time is about…Patience and Faith. Trust and Hope. None of which are really my strongest traits.
So I have a feeling that when September 11th happens especially if I have not heard from this person. You will be leaving on a tour that I literally have lived for the last 104 days…and I don’t know which way I am going…Yup…. I am going to be a little blue
Until the next time