“To know ahead of time what you’re looking for means you’re then only photographing your own preconceptions, which is very limiting, and often false.” Dorothea Lange
Days 25, 24, 23, and 22
Wow, four days went by. This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. When it dawned on me, actually about 30 days into the whole Social Media Campaign that this dream was just not gonna happen-well a process happened and it is that and the culmination of all that which is today’s post.
So the first internal reaction was I was peeved. I mean, crap I have spent 18 months really thinking this goal out. When the Album was released in late April a lightbulb went off and I realized that the pattern here had been about dreams and single minded focus balanced with life and smelling some roses along the way. And dreams happening not necessarily in the order or the way we “command” them to be. That they have to be flexible enough or rather we do to keep the “end goal” in sight but allow fluctuations to take place to get there.
Then I was like, SHIT WTF am I supposed to do NOW. While life had happened around me A LOT of life. I had smelled the roses and investigated a few other things…which told me that I had NOT followed Lorie B’s thought process of no Plan B..b/c after the “reacting” internally had taken place…there came a bit of a stop, look and listen…and this is what I keep coming back to.
In the course of seeking the experience of shooting live music, I have developed my own style. I have picked up dancers as well as there is a poetry that takes place that literally fills me with fierce joy. I have seen many bands. Some, most are kind of no repeats for me but there are a few along the way I will see over and over again. The bands were friendly, receptive and open to me. Their shows were fan based and oriented in a way you will never or at least currently do not practice and that is intermingling and accessibility—or at least the intermingling is free and not based on hundreds of dollars…. and I find that is where my heart really lies. In the stick to it day after day bands whose music is borne from a life of struggle and the refusal to quit no matter what happens
So…..In the course of this journey, I ran across music like no other. There is a symmetry, an energy, a vibration that matches mine. Now I can’t sleep. They are the path I want to take and support. To that end I have spent the last three weeks, taking the information I have and crafting it into a proposal that asks for them to take a leap of faith, go out on a limb and create an opportuntiy for me to hitch myself to them….and all I can do is present it and hope like hell their founder sees in me what I see in them.
I was at my workout this morning, exhausted from lack of sleep over the course of the last two weeks or so. Dawn (my dog) was a VERY bad dog and got into stuff she should not have yesterday and last night and today I am paying for it because she is sick…sigh worse than a kid.
So I go to the gym this morning and I feel beaten. I feel like I am in a hole, so down because the mere thought of this dream not happening has me literally broken…that is how strong the pull is to support this music is and how much I want to be a part of their dream …..and of course that affects my workout. I tell Dustin (my trainer) do you ever have days when the negative self talk bitch will not shut the f*ck up and keeps yapping at you? He said yes and by the end of this workout, she will be gone….So my “failures” came much quicker, I had no sense of accomplishment, the words I can’t kept coming to mind. WE finished, I battled through the I CAN’TS and went to the rowing machine feeling defeated. But about the 12 minute mark, the fire started to burn through. The chant came from deep inside… I CAN, I AM and I ended the workout pushing the negative self talk back into the dark knowing I had not even started to fight for this coming dream…so why was I quitting….
So stay tuned.